Feeling very self loathing as of late. Maybe its the seasons changing, whatever it is. I'm not feeling exactly 100%. So; I've been writing as a cause of this, maybe. Not sure, anyways. Peep it, tell me what you think. I kinda feel it's congested and it sounds weird when I say it aloud Here it is: Dysphoria, you're there when the days seem to be the brightest. When the sun's at it's highest I still somehow feel beneath it all. During my days, all I seem to do is wish for them to turn to the nights that lay underneath the horizon. That's when I'm at my highest, when the moon seems to shine it's brightest. That's when I know I'm above it all, when the nights are their darkest. Hello again, Euphoria.
Depending on how serious the feelings are, I'd recommend finding someone you trust to confide in, or finding yourself a counsellor to talk to. If you just want to vent on the forum, but don't want to expose what you're thinking/feeling, you can always just shoot me a private message.
Turning off the head proves difficult, as I can tell from experience. Karma, me trying to help you would be a bit like the blind leading the blind ... But to attempt to say something helpful: I'm sure you have many qualities you aren't aware of, and that many of your faults are mirrored by others you are equally not aware of. Self-loathing doesn't seem very objective to me, unless it's me doing the self-loathing. (Ha-ha.)
I don't know what your current schedule is like, but if you haven't been taking little breaks here and there from being indoors and work then it starts to take a toll. So if you're working or studying, maybe take a few minutes every hour or so just to relax your mind. Go outside and sit smack in the middle of some sunlight and bump a song or two. Or do what Baskitkase said!
I think it has a lot to do with me going outside, I've had almost two weeks off from work now (took a personal week, then my boss went to lollapalooza lol.) So I've been kinda cooped up in the house since then, I've just been avoiding spending money like crazy by not going out and doing things. Which might be part of the problem, I mean I take the dog out for walks and stuff, and head down to the local convient store for some "supplies" lol. But for the most part I've been indoors, or at my house. I live on the top floor of my appartment building, on the corner of the building so I have direct sunlight from like 5:30AM-2PM so I get to tan a bit here and there when I'm feeling up for it. Or I'll go listen to music on the patio.. Like today, I feel better. More aware of my feelings, and maybe why they're coming in. But.. we'll see it is only the morning still, I seem to get sorta bi-polar on some days. Then I fall back into my reclusive ways and hide out. But again.. Today...today I feel better. Thanks for the replies guys! . Also no one cares to comment on what I wrote down below all of my melodramtic-ness? lol. I'm not sure if it really flows, or works as a cohesive unit.
@Boozha I'm sure we all do man, but people like me, or even people like us. Those people tend to let the mask slip on a little more than others..I'm not fond that it happens more often than not. But sometimes it can help heal, I say sometimes lightly because for the most part it's a destructive habit and a very inhibiting mindset that I'm not very fond of. But none the less it's apart of me, and it's something I need to learn to control, and mend.
I for one didn't want to get into interpreting too much and claiming that I'd totally understand you, but it did sort of resonate with me.
To be honest, I didn't want to pretend like I fully understood it. It would sort of be my own interpretation and I'm not you, so it wouldn't have been much help haha Hope things get better!
Decided to post just because of this line. Your strongest enemy can easily be your own mind. Sometimes i'll feel on top of the world, like i'm the most good-looking guy alive. But, sometimes my positive view begins to crack. The mirror that once held this confident, fit, decent-looking guy (I used to be fat). Now holds a fat (literally what would be abs one day would look like a gut) , ugly troll..... and no matter how much i tell myself its not real, my mind is messing with me... it won't go away for a while not till i fight off my mental demons for that certain period of time. Then suddenly i look good again, in my mind at least. And i assure you, my weight does not change, only what i see in the mirror. Positive mindset builds slowly and is not very resistant, it needs to be very carefully cared for. Negative mindset grows so quickly, and can be so powerful, literally crippling you. I know you might think positive mindset might be lying to yourself, but have you considered your current mind is the one lying to you? Everyone wants to be smart, good looking, or whatever. The reality is you want to be happy, and all you crave will not bring you the happiness you seek within, you must actually aim to build your own long-term inner peace/happiness with yourself. (This is why even though i'm not religious,i respect that if people find peace in belief, its better than not finding peace at all.) Smoking/Drinking/partying.... its just you trying to quiet your thoughts, or at least it was for me.
I feel basically the same way, without having much success in finding the remedy. I used to have a deep obessesion with how I was percieved, I still do, maybe not as drastic as it was when I was in my teen years, but the fear of not being accepted for what I looked like made me into a different person. Someone who no matter what they looked like wouldnt be liked because of how the felt about themselves. It effected a lot of my life, and drove me to be reclusive. I hid from the world, I kinda went down the wrong path. Went from playing soccer every day of my life, to acting "bad" and smoking weed, drinking, partying. The typical teenager Bane Shift we all did, but I let it take control of who I was becoming, and in the end it left my sense of self... squed. You know...It's funny that you say "I know you might think positive mindsets might be lying to yourself" because the sentence following it, is really something I've never, ever considered.... I always thought that when I was happy, I was just putting up a sharade for people to believe, so I could maybe believe I was this cheery happy go lucky, fun time guy. I mean I am, because I love being out and around people and being cheery, but I know both sides of me, and the people around me ...I don't want them see this side. For fear of being judged or further outcasted. and.. I know I want to be happy, I mean who dosen't? It's something I strive to achieve on a daily basis but maybe I put too much emphasis on this existence of happiness, because maybe.. maybe where I'm at and where im going in life don't appease the inner me, so on the outside I'm in a constant battle for control over my emotions and my life, because in truth my life is slowly spinning out of control and I don't know how to fix it, or set a crash course. I kinda just spin and spin until I'm dizzy, then when I try to take aim at where I want to be, I miss my mark because I wasn't able to make a decesion on steady ground.... I wish I was better at taking charge and making my goals become a reality. Truth is, I'm just afraid.
Real talk here Hope ya'll find everything you desire. Been working on it myself lately, doing somewhat better. Might even be a lot better if my date tomorrow goes well, who knows. I find that self image, how much that I hate doing it, depends a lot of keeping busy with stuff like work. Feeling like you're doing something that matters to someone/getting paid seems to help a lot. Must be capitalist mindcontrol getting the best of me. You do you boys, you do you
Dude, for real. I never realized how much my weight was affecting my mood until I started losing a bunch of it.
wow. yall have souls? never would've guessed. I quit cigarettes last week. I've been working on the simply joys of enjoying my own presence. In other words, if I can sit down somewhere quietly, and do nothing but simply watch a tree blow in the wind, and enjoy myself doing that, I've achieved my goal. I also replaced a lot of the pleasures that came with smoking with more beneficial things. For example. When I hit a cig, I felt a surge in my body that would end at my feet feeling fuzzy. I have replaced that feeling with the simple act of putting lotion on my feet. Seriously guys, if you haven't tried the amazing feeling of that yet.... you should I take the time out to meditate to calm myself, but I've been doin that for years. Recently though I've just been much more consistent with it, realizing this: Really resonates with me. I still smoke herb sometimes, but much less frequently, and sometimes I meditate on the high. Really takes me places. Too many times I lost on pox and felt like I wasted a high
